


Be Your Light

by haikukitten



Category: Legion of Superheroes
Genre: Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-10
Updated: 2011-08-10
Packaged: 2017-10-22 11:17:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/237478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikukitten/pseuds/haikukitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Depression is more than just a state of mind. Querl struggles, Lyle tries to help. Just a short piece, written with my own experiences in mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be Your Light

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing about depression written here should be taken for the gospel truth, as I am not an expert. I wish to point out that I am in no way indicating that medication or counseling are not suitable ways of dealing with depression. I imagine it's different for everyone. I am lucky to have a wonderful family, particularly my father, who has always supported me and helped me through the rough patches. This story is meant only as a brief scene - there is no true resolution put forth here, only a moment between good friends as one tries to help the other.

**Be Your Light**

 _This is my winter song to you_

 _The storm is coming soon_

 _It rolls in from the sea_

 _My love a beacon in the night_

 _My words will be your light_

 _To carry you to me_

 **  
_-Sara Bareilles, “Winter Song”_   
**

Sometimes Querl’s fingers pause in the midst of his work, as though all the energy in his body has been abruptly cut off. In those moments, he stares dully at his hands, wondering how to best go about remedying the situation, but he never truly tries to fix it.

Because when this happens, a hollow feeling settles in his chest. The space where his heart should be beating feels strangely empty, and aches around the edges. It’s as though someone has cut his heart out so slowly that he never even truly registered the pain. And there is no reason for it. He should be happy, after everything he has been through to get this far. He should be happy.

Black thoughts consume him, reminding him that all of this is more than he deserves. He cannot truly have friends, because who could truly bear to be around him? It has to be pity, more than anything, that makes any of them stop and say “hello, Brainy, hope you’re doing well.” And he feels so incredibly alone when these thoughts settle on him.

Sometimes he sinks to the floor of his laboratory, threading his fingers into his hair, and wishes that there was some sort of immediate remedy. He’s tried medication, but it turns the rest of the world into such a blur that he can’t stand to take it long enough to know if it can really help. He’s been forced to see the Legion psychologist, Dr. Ryk’rr, but he hates to tell the woman about the embarrassing, shameful thoughts he has about himself.

And then there’s his “upgrade” that did exactly what he wanted, before it was damaged, but it felt so _fake_. It still works to control his mind, thankfully, or he feels certain that he would go insane like they say all the other Brainiacs did.

Other times, he is deliriously happy. He can see, in those moments, that he has friends who love him and a purpose in life. The high can last for days, a blessed reprieve in which he can smile and laugh and just enjoy life. But when he crashes again, he feels so stupid for even being happy.

It’s one of those moments when his hands slip, abandoning his work. He stands still at his bench as the feeling washes over him, nearly choking him. Despair. He knows it so well, but seldom has a logical reason for feeling it. There’s nothing _wrong_ , so why does he feel like this?

The doors to his lab slide open and he knows who it is before even hears the person speak.

“Hey, Brainy! I just had a brilliant idea, and I thought maybe you’d like to help.”

Every muscle in Querl’s body tightens. He wants both for Lyle to leave and for him to stay, at the same time. If Lyle stays, Querl will have to admit that he is not in any shape to do anything right now. He will probably lose his temper and say something he doesn’t mean. But if Lyle leaves, then he will be so much more alone than before.

“Brainy?” Lyle is just behind him now and the other boy’s hands come up to settle on his shoulders. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Querl says tightly. “I’m not. You should probably go.”

“This again.” Lyle sighs and he turns Querl to face him. “Do you want to talk?”

“No.” Querl turns his gaze to the floor. _I can’t speak it out loud._ “I want to be alone.”

Lyle’s fingers gently grasp his chin and turn his face up. “Okay, I’m leaving,” he murmurs.

But he doesn’t leave. He wraps his arms around Querl and pulls him close. Despite himself, Querl grasps Lyle’s uniform top in a tight hold. Lyle reaches up to guide Querl’s head to rest against his shoulder, gloved fingers stroking Querl’s hair.

“Come on, let’s go back to your room,” Lyle instructs. He keeps an arm around Querl’s shoulders and they both slowly bleed out of sight. No one else will see Querl falling apart as they make their way back to Querl’s quarters.

When they reach his room, Querl draws out of Lyle’s hold. He feels just a little better, but the hole in his chest still burns around the edges. It’s an aching, throbbing wound that nothing can truly soothe, not even Lyle’s kind, knowing fingers.

He hears Lyle lock the door, and turns to see the other boy stripping down. It’s not an unfamiliar sight, though they are not lovers. This is not the first time that his friend has done this for him, and it will not be the last.

“Come on,” Lyle says when he’s down to his underwear. “Let’s get you out of your uniform, hmm?”

The human unbuckles Querl’s belt and lays it aside gently. Querl does not object as Lyle helps him out of his own clothes, just allows himself to be maneuvered about like a child. When Querl is also down to his undergarments, Lyle fetches the only set of pajamas that Querl keeps in his room. He pulls the shirt over Querl’s head and dons the pants himself.

“You’re just tired,” Lyle tells Querl as he draws the Coluan over to the bed. “It always gets better.”

“And it always gets worse again,” Querl replies hopelessly, even as he climbs into bed with his friend and curls into his embrace. “It always comes back.”

“I will always be here when it does,” Lyle promises him solemnly.

Lyle traces the lines on Querl’s face so tenderly that his touch makes Querl shiver. The other boy’s fingers tangle themselves in Querl’s blond curls, massaging his scalp and slowly drawing away all the tension until Querl is just tired and sad. He lays his head against Lyle’s bare chest and breathes in deeply.

“Don’t tell me I should try to think happy thoughts,” Querl warns, just because when he’s like this, he remembers all the stupid things people have said to him and he hates it. “It’s not a matter of just being happy.”

“No, I know,” Lyle says. “Or rather, I’ve figured it out.”

For a while, they’re both silent. Querl is the one to speak again first.

“Have you ever been depressed?” he asks, trying to sound casual about it.

“I think so,” Lyle replies. He’s carefully massaging the tense muscles in Querl’s back now. “When I was younger, my parents were never around. It was hard to deal with. But now, I don’t know what it was, exactly. I was just a kid.”

“Still, you understand,” Querl says, maybe a little desperately. “No one else understands…”

Lyle laughs softly, a lovely sound that makes Querl feel warm and content. “Of course no one else understands. Everyone is wrapped up in their own problems, Brainy. Do you go out of your way to see their needs and their wounds? The only reason I am different from them is because I _want_ to see you; all of you, even the parts you wish weren’t there.”

“That’s illogical.” Querl clenches his eyes shut tightly. “Why would you want to see this side of me? There’s nothing good about it.”

“Well, I don’t bother trying to understand it,” Lyle admits. “And sometimes you really infuriate me. But in the long run, I wouldn’t change you for myself. I would only change anything about you to make you happier.”

Querl opens his eyes again and manages a tiny smile. “I’ve… been getting better,” he says. “It still happens, but I think I’ve been happier than I was.”

The corners of his mouth turn down again, as he hasn’t the energy to hold a smile in place. All he wants to do now is sleep, and hope that when he wakes, the world will be a brighter place.

“You’re better,” Lyle agrees with him. The other boy presses a kiss to the top of Querl’s head. “You’ve grown a lot. So have I.”

“Maybe one day I won’t feel like this anymore,” Querl murmurs.

He feels Lyle shake his head. “Some part of you might always feel like this. It’s part of who you are. That’s okay, you know? There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t have to fix it. You just have to wake up every morning and try your best. And when that’s not enough, I swear I will be here.”

Lyle sounds so determined and it both comforts Querl and makes him wonder why. There is an unspoken bond between them now. Neither of them has ever acknowledged that they have become so close, but it has happened nonetheless.

Reaching up blindly with one hand, Querl finds Lyle’s cheek and touches it tenderly. “And if you’re not always there?” he asks softly. “I cannot always rely on you.”

“I would hope that you could find another who would be able to take care of you,” Lyle says, his hand coming up to cover Querl’s. “You were never meant to be alone.”

But Querl is so often alone, and has been alone for all his life, until Lyle. This boy is the only reprieve. Lyle has become his family, his dearest friend, and something even more than that. If he were to lose Lyle, he is not sure what he would do. Probably fall to pieces, kill himself, maybe blow something up in the process. He would go down in flames.

“I love you,” Querl finds himself whispering against his friend’s bare skin. “I’ve never loved another person the way that I love you. That is the truth. You are the only one.”

The only what? Even Querl has no answer to that. He only knows that he trusts Lyle with his life, and loves him unconditionally. Lyle cannot always make him happy, but he always tries, and this knowledge elicits a heart breaking pain that makes him feel more like he’s alive.

“I know.” Lyle hugs him closer. “You too, Brainy. Always.”

FIN


End file.
